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not discussed
crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:
1. whether or not the wife will work
outside the home
2. will the couple wait to have children
3. which city and country the couple will
live in after marriage
4. will they live with his parents or
have their own apartment
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed
and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage
process.
2. Who's in charge?
One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war
between couples over who is in control in the
relationship. This has led to a stalemate in
disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.
Many couples today are refusing to compromise within
moderation when differences arise.
While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is
given the leadership role in the marriage
relationship, this does not mean he runs the
couple's family life like a dictatorship.
It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is
one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A
leader must also have humbleness and humility.
A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by
being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with
his wife.
Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the
Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should
be referred back to these sources, instead of
becoming a source of tension and problems.
3. The divorce option.
Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter
word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today,
amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is
one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts
occur in marriage.
It should be remembered that out of all of the
things Allah has made Halal, divorce is the one He
hates the most. Couples need to look at several
other alternatives before turning to this drastic
measure.
They should seek the help of older, wiser and
trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve
their differences. Generally, they need to make a
sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out
before divorce is seriously considered.
4. Sexual problems
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and
sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once
a couple gets married.
In the sex-saturated culture of North America,
couples tend to place very high expectations of each
other in this area. They also expect instant
results.
In reality, it takes time, commitment,
disappointment and investment to establish a sexual
relationship in marriage which is in tune with the
needs of each partner.
It's important for Muslim couples to walk into
marriage with proper information about sex and
sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They
need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is
Haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind
that spouses must never discuss their sexual
relationship with others, unless it is to get help
for a specific problem with the right person or
authority figure.
On a similar note, it's important for both the
husband and wife to remember that they need to make
themselves physically attractive to each other. Too
many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now
let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners
may gain too much weight, or may not care about
hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse
should be true: spouses should take the time out for
these things and give them even more attention after
marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended
husband and wife both to do that, May Allah's peace
and blessings be upon him.
5. In-laws
The first few years of marriage are not just a
period of adjustment for the married couple. It's
one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.
Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the
Islamic rules of social relations with each other.
These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling
each other by offensive nicknames, and making a
special effort to respect each other as family
members.
As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every
individual and every couple is different. So wives
should not be compared to mothers and sisters.
Husbands should not be compared to fathers and
brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents,
etc.
In addition, there should be regular, healthy
contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean
visiting each other at least once or twice a month,
or calling if distance makes it difficult to get
together.
6. Realism
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily
ever after.
This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood
movie, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is
very different.
Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic
ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal
human. But all humans have good and bad points.
Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each
other, warts and all.
6. Making a schedule and
establishing rituals.
Making a schedule may seem like an end to
spontaneity but it's not.
This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and
rituals as a couple. It's especially important if
both the husband and wife are going to school and/or
working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in
setting time aside for each other during a
fast-paced week of work and studies.
Some rituals couples can
establish may include:
1. praying at
least one prayer together
2. attending a
study circle together once a week
3. deciding on a
weekly menu
4. having a
pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
5. setting aside
one day on which no work or studying will be done
6. setting a day
when both the husband and wife will clean up the
house
7. setting a
time to discuss finances and a budget
8. making a
phone contacting during the day
9. deciding on a
particular day and time once a month at least to
visit each other's parents
10. By
discussing and setting up these rituals, couples
learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each
other. 11. They
also learn to become a team instead of two people
living in the same with separate lives.
7. Marriage as a
restriction.
Muslim men who have grown up in North America may
find marriage restricting. After all, before, they
could hang out with their buddies and get home by
11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After
marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m if
not earlier.
While marriage comes with responsibilities and a
tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It
takes time and patience to realize that in the end
the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are
greater than the restrictions.
8. Friends and Islamic
activities.
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you
want to be close to for the rest of your life.
But friends are often the source of many marriage
conflicts. Too much time spent with friends, either
hanging out or on the phone, means time lost with a
husband/wife.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same
age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage,
due to their own inexperience in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friends dilemma could
be:
working out a "friends time" at least once a week
where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with
friends privately
developing friendships with other married couples so
spouses can befriend spouses
Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young
Muslim activists may think they can keep attending
those three-hour Muslim Students' Association
meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.
Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes
away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their
due but within a balance of everyone's rights,
including those of your spouse.
9. Not keeping secrets
A number of young married couples are notorious for
not keeping secrets, especially related to sexual
matters, and exposing their spouse's faults. This is
not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.
Couples should seek to hide each other's faults.
They should seek advice on marriage problems from a
"marriage mentor", someone who is older, wiser,
trustworthy and has the best interests of both
parties at heart.
10. Finances
How much should be spent on furniture, the house,
food, etc. These are staple issues of any household
and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and
wife.
To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need
to draft a budget then stick to it. The household
will run more efficiently and that's one less source
of conflict in the marriage.
A special note to husbands: in the beginning of
marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with
gifts. They do this as an expression of love and
because they want to provide for their wives.
However, as time passes and they keep giving, they
go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As
well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort
which husbands can no longer afford.
Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not
just reserved to material things. It includes
spending time with her, and treating her with equity
and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this
kind of provision over expensive gifts.
11. Give each other space.
A number of couples think being married means always
being together and serving each other hand and foot.
Wives may initially take over all household chores,
not letting the husband help or even do his own
things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later
regret this as household responsibilities increase
and their husbands become dependent on them for the
smallest things.
Husbands may think getting married means being with
their wives all the time. This later may lead them
to becoming irritable and cranky.
The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and
accepting each other and giving each other
sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary
balance in a relationship which is so close
physically and emotionally. |
