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life. This
implies that we should look at this period as the
ideal example for family relationships, practices,
and attitudes which we should emulate.
There is a lesson to be learned from each aspect of
this relationship, starting with the circumstances
surrounding its onset, followed by the numerous,
happy and sad incidents known to us that filled this
period of the Prophet's life. For the purpose of
brevity, only a few specific observations will be
discussed.
Circumstances.
The first observation is related to the
circumstances surrounding the onset of this
marriage. The age of the Prophet was 25 years, which
is probably the optimal age of marriage for a man.
Khadijah was 40 years old at that time. It this
point should mean anything, it is to show that the
traditional expectation that the wife's age should
be close to, or slightly less than the husband's is
not necessarily true all the time. What counts
actually is not the age, but the maturity and
compatibility. Another point of this observation is
the fact that the Prophet was independent, gainfully
employed, and very successful. His efficient work
performance and excellent business ability were
actually one the main reasons Khadijah was attracted
to him. Although Khadijah was wealthy and able to
support the household, the Prophet (pbuh) continued
to work and produce. This is another pointer for our
husbands-to-be, that he is able to provide for the
family. A third point is the fact that Khadijah was
the one who approached the Prophet regarding the
marriage through her friend, Nafeesah. Many of the
Muslims feel that it is not appropriate for a girl
or her guardian to approach a man regarding
marriage, and that the man is the one who should ask
for the girl's hand. The example of the Prophet's
marriage to Khadijah shows that such a tradition is
just a matter of false pride. It is quite
appropriate for a female seeking marriage, or for
her guardian, to approach a qualified candidate
regarding marriage, as long as this is done in a
decent, proper way. It should actually be the duty
of the parents to look for the proper righteous
husbands for their daughters, since these righteous
husbands are usually difficult to find these days.
Another observation is related to the type of
relation and attitude between Muhammad (pbuh) and
Khadijah. This family relationship was characterized
by love, respect, and appreciation; by hard work,
support, and cooperation; and above all, by
unprecedented loyalty that lasted till the end of
the Prophet's life, even after the death of Khadijah.
How did the Prophet (pbuh) achieve such a beautiful
relationship?
The Prophet's (pbuh)
Character .
One clue to this beautiful relationship was the
beautiful standard of character of the Prophet (pbuh)
himself. When Ayeshah was asked about the character
of the Prophet (pbuh), she answered: `His character
was the Qur'an; whatever upset Allah, upset him; and
whatever pleased Allah, pleased him; and after Allah
had perfected his character, He praised him by
saying in the Qur'an:
"And verily, you have an
exalted standard of character..." (Qur'an 68:4)
It was the consensus of all those who knew the
Prophet (pbuh) that he was gentle and kind; generous
and noble; thoughtful and considerate; honest and
sincere; loyal and trustworthy. He liked the good
and disliked the evil. He had a sense of humor
without excess; he joked but always spoke the truth;
he was simple but firm; he was humble though he had
great wisdom and knowledge; he was an example of
morality; and he was a mercy to anyone who got in
touch with him. True was Allah's description of him:
"We sent you not but as a
mercy for all creatures ..." (21:107)
Anyone who saw him, respected him. And anyone who
got to know him, loved him. With all the beautiful
features listed above, it is no wonder that he won
the heart of Khadijah as he won the hearts of all
his followers and companions. The Qur'an teaches us
that goodness would convert enemy to friend:
"Nor can Goodness and Evil be
equal. Repel (evil) with what is better, then the
one who was your enemy becomes as he were your best
friend and intimate..." (Surah 41:34)
If goodness can make a friend out of an
enemy, it can definitely increase and strengthen the
ties with a love one.
Mutual Support and
Counseling.
This simple but true fact is commonly ignored by
many marriage partners. They take the relationship
between them for granted. They may express their
kind feelings to outsiders and show their best
behavior to strangers, but when they deal with each
other, each assumes that the other already knows his
or her feelings. They take each other's feelings for
granted. If each partner shows the best of himself
or herself to his/her partner, many shaky marriages
will become healthy and successful again. Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) gave us the best example in this
respect. He always showed his best side to his
family. He always asked the believers to be good to
their families, and when it comes to good deeds, own
should start with those he is in charge of.
Another clue to the realization of an ideal family
relationship such as the one which existed between
the Prophet (pbuh) and his wife, Khadijah, was the
mutual counseling and support. A single incident
will be quoted to make a point. I was the time when
the Prophet (pbuh) received the first revelation.
The magnitude and the impact of this incident was so
great that it literally shook him up. Whom did he go
to for counsel and support in such a difficult time?
Did he go this best friend? Or to his lawyer? Or to
his professor or advisor? Or to the elder of the
community or tribe? None of these. He went to his
wife Khadijah. He asked her for support and for her
opinion, and apparently he knew what he was doing.
She responded in the most appropriate manner. She
did not faint or panic. She ated in the most
comforting and supportive way, and filled him with
confidence. She was quoted to say:
"Be steadfast and have good news. By the one who has
khadijah's soul in His hand, I wish you become the
Prophet of the this nation. By God, God will never
let you down. You are kind to the kin, you are
truthful in your word, you carry the weak, you host
your guest, and you support the afflicted."
Someone may ask: what would this single incident
mean? It means quite a lot. This type of mutual
trust and confidence does not develop instantly. It
is rather the result of long years of exposure,
testing and practice. In such a challenging and
difficult situation, the Prophet (pbuh) would not
seek counsel and support from someone he had not
trusted and tried before.
The point to be made is that the mutual counseling
and support between marriage partners is an
essential ingredient for a successful family life.
IT serves two purposes: One is that a very useful
source of counsel and support must be utilized
rather than wasted. Second, the consulted partner
will develop confidence, in addition to a sense of
participation and appreciation, which will further
strengthen family ties.
Helping Around the House.
"What did the Prophet (pbuh) do at home?" She
replied: "He would be involved in the service of his
family, and when the time for prayers was due, he
would wash up and go out for prayers."
Unfortunately, may men feel that it is beneath their
dignity to participate in housework. It is true that
the home and housekeeping are usually the domain and
responsibility of the wife, but a helping hand by a
husband can be of great value. On the one hand, it
will help the husband to undertstand and appreciate
the duties and problems of his wife. On the other
hand, it will signal to the wife his interest and
caring attitude. Besides, his behaviour will be an
example to the children, who might feel that
housework is for mothers only. Sometimes the
services of the husband are not needed, or not
feasible. Here, gestures of goodwill and willingness
to help are all that is needed. At other times, his
service at home may be badly needed. In such a case,
any time he can spare to serve his family is time
well-spent. Of course, the service provided could be
physical, spiritual, or intellectual.
Respect for the family.
Another clue was the Prophet's (pbuh) respect
for his family. Ayeshah said:
"The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) has never beaten a
wife or a servant, and he has never hit anything
with his hand except when fighting in the cause of
Allah."
Although physical discipline may be required
or justified in a crisis and when dealing with
immature individuals where reason and logic are of
no value, the Prophet (pbuh) always discouraged this
mode of action. The normal treatment of mature
individuals should be based mainly on logic, reason
and sound understanding. The main miracle of Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) is the Qur'an, which is a message to
the minds of all people. IT is the Islamic approach
to utilize mainly the mind and reasoning rather than
to paralyze and overpower the person by physical
means. When it comes to corrective action, a serious
word or look or gesture could be more effective and
even more painful than beating with a whip. Physical
means are saved for the ones who do not have enough
mind to understand. When beating has to be used
along these lines, the Prophet (pbuh) teaches us
that one should not hurt and that one should avoid
the face. The Prophet (pbuh), however, gives us a
marvelous reminder:
"The best among you do not beat."
There is indeed a great message in this short
statement.
Stability in Face of Hardships.
Another clue to the successful marriage was
the stability and good faith of the partners when
facing difficulties and afflictions. Many husbands
and wives are taken by frustration and despair when
they face difficult problems. Some lose control and
completely break down. Many families fall apart
after loss of money, failure of business, or any
other type of trauma. The Prophet (pbuh) and his
wife faced a great many difficulties, including the
loss of children (especially the loss of boys in a
society which used to kill female infants out of
shame). In addition, they suffered the rejection and
persecution inflicted on them by their own people.
Their response did not consist in breaking down, or
giving up. These difficulties probably increased
their determination to build up their efforts to
cope with difficulties. This clue should be a good
lesson for all marriage partners who are shaken by
the least of tremors in their family life.
Loyalty
Another feature of the relationship between
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and his wife Khadijah, was
his unprecedented loyalty to her. Loyalty is
actually a cause and a result of the ideal marital
relationship which existed between them. Loyalty is
not just the lack of cheating, or lack of having
extra-marital relations. Loyalty can be an on-going
positive attitude which can be expressed in many
actions, words or gestures. The resultant
strengthening of personal relations between the
partners will in turn increase their loyalty towards
one another. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) remained loyal
to Khadijah to the end of his life, long after her
death. Ayeshah used to say that she was not jealous
of any woman more than Khadijah, although Khadijah
was already dead, because the Prophet (pbuh) always
had the best memories of her. The Prophet (pbuh)
also had a special kind of feeling towards anyone
Khadijah used to like.
Hard Work, Together for the Sake of Allah
One more feature of the happy marriage to
Khadijah was that it was not a restful and
easy-going one. Besides love and affection, there
was a great deal of struggle and hard work to spread
the message of Islam. When the Prophet (pbuh)
received the second revelation:
"O you wrapped up. Arise and deliver thy warning..."
(Surah 74, 1-2)
which woke him from his sleep, breathing
heavily and sweating profusely, his wife Khadijah
approached him gently to go back to bed and have
some sleep and rest. His answer was:
"O Khadijah, the time for sleep and rest is over.
Jibril has commanded me to warn the people and call
them to Allah and His worship. Whom should I call?
And who is going to respond to me?"
Khadijah comforted him and anxiously declared
her Islam and her acceptance of the prophet hood of
her husband. From then on, it was like a Da'wah
team, striving together in the cause of Allah.
This lesson is for every family, where one partner
is upset and concerned because the other partner has
to work hard in the cause of Allah. It would make
things a lot easier if both partners did this work
together and started their won Da'wah team. Part of
the Da'wah work will naturally go towards their won
personal education and the teaching of their
children. By doing it this way, the frustration will
subside, and the joy and pleasure will grow.
The above listed aspects and many more, all
contributed to the develop- ment of the beautiful
relationship between Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and his
wife Khadijah.
The marriage to Khadijah was a "one wife marriage".
For 25 years of the Prophet's prime age and in a
time and place where unlimited polygamy was quite
acceptable, and until the death of Khadijah, it
remained a monoga- mous marriage. Could it be that
Divine wisdom wanted this aspect to be one of the
features of this "model marriage" for all of us to
emulate under normal circumstances? |
