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How Can You
Save Your Marriage!
Each year in America alone, nearly 1 million
marriages end in divorce. This is an incredible number!
That would be as if all the citizens of Houston Texas
were divorced (each divorce leaves 2 people).
The question is how many of those marriages could be
saved. Unfortunately, that is an invisible number. If
your marriage stays together, it is hard to find in the
statistics. As Marian Wright Edelman wrote, statistics
are stories with the tears washed off.
Can your marriage be saved? If I could answer that, I
would be a wealthy man. I can tell you that if your
marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, the outcome
is guaranteed. |
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If you do
something, there is a much better chance that your
marriage will be saved.
And I can tell you, in four simple steps what you
can do to save your marriage. You can start right
now. But you must understand that I said "simple."
That is not the same as "easy." These steps are not
easy. They do, however, give you a path that you
must follow if you want to change the destiny of a
marriage in trouble.
Here are the 4 steps:
1) Quit the blame game. Stop blaming your spouse and
stop blaming yourself. This is the first step
because marriages get frozen into a pattern of blame
that immobilizes any prospect of progress. Instead,
the momentum gets dragged down and down.
Blame is our way of avoiding seeing ourselves
clearly. It is much easier to point the finger
somewhere and say "It's their fault." But in
marriage, you can just as easily turn that pointing
finger on yourself and place the blame there, saying
"it's all my fault."
Unfortunately, blame feels good in the short-term,
but in the long-term, it prevents any shift or
change. So, even if you can make a long list of why
you or your spouse should be blamed, forget it. Even
if that list is factual, it will not help you put
your marriage back together. Blame is the fuel of
divorces.
2) Take
responsibility. Decide you can do something. Change
always begins with one person who wants to see a
change. Understand that taking responsibility is not
the same as taking the blame (see above).
Instead, blame is saying "regardless of who is at
fault, there are some things I can do differently,
and I am going to do them." What buttons do you
allow your spouse to push? What buttons do you push
with your spouse? Decide not to allow those buttons
to be pushed and stop pushing the buttons.
What amazes me in my counseling is that everyone
knows what they should be doing or not doing. But it
is difficult to move in that direction. Don't be
caught in that. Decide that you will take action.
The difference between blame and responsibility is
this: if I am in a burning building, I can stand
around trying to figure out who started the blaze,
why it has spread so quickly, and who I am going to
sue when it is over (blame), or I can get myself and
anyone else I can out of that building (taking
responsibility). When a marriage is in trouble, the
house is on fire. How will you take action to save
the marriage?
3) Get resources
from experts. If others have been helped, you can
be, too. Experts with a great deal more perspective
and experience can be a real help in these
situations. Do your research and divide the useless
from the useful, then take advantage of the useful.
Don't assume that your situation is so different
from every other situation. I can tell you that
after 20-some years of providing therapy, not too
much new comes through my doors. Don't get me wrong;
the story changes, but the dynamics are the same.
Remember what Albert Einstein said, "The significant
problems we have cannot be solved at the same level
of thinking with which we created them." In other
words, what got you into trouble will not get you
out of trouble. That requires a whole new level of
thinking. And that is what you get from an outside
expert, someone with a fresh perspective.
4) Take action.
More damage is done by doing nothing by taking a
misstep. It is too easy to get paralyzed by the
situation. Therapists often talk about "analysis
paralysis." This occurs when people get so caught up
in their churning thoughts and attempts to "figure
things out" that they never take action.
It is not enough to simply understand what is
causing the problem. You must then act! On a daily
basis, I find people coming to my office with the
belief that if they can just understand their
problem, it will resolve itself. That simply does
not happen. Resolution of the situation takes
action.
Will your marriage be saved? If you follow my
suggestions, you have infinitely more opportunity
for saving your marriage than if you do nothing.
Marriage is one of those places where it takes two
to make it work, but only one to really mess things
up. You can only do your part, but many times, that
is enough. Resolve not to ask the question but to
begin to act. |
